SE x ED
by Syrisna
Summary: Everyone has been subjected to The Talk at least once at some point. What about Monkey D. Dragon, the most dangerous and wanted man in the world? Spin-off of rose7anne101 and Black' Victor Cachat's One Piece: Luffy's Mother Is WHO? and inspired by pointvee's review on Chapter 1. Beta'd by the original authors.
1. The Truth Is Out

As stated in the summary, this story was inspired by a review on **rose7anne101 & Black' Victor Cachat's One PIece : Luffy's Mother Is WHO?** and is written as a spin-off based on that story. The title is pretty self-explaining, but hopefully I'll manage to surprise people with the actual story.

If anyone here hasn't read it yet, I highly suggest you do before reading this or you might not understand some parts of this story. You can find the story in my **Followed/Favorited Stories** , or find the author in my **Followed/Favorited Authors** (which is a lot easier to be honest), or just stick to the search bar. Whichever you prefer.

This story has been beta'd by the authors themselves, who are both awesome as ever and gave their full support for writing this story. It was a lot of fun working with them to hash out the details and cracking jokes at the expenses of the characters.

 ***note** : **Kane** , who is Dragon's mother and Garp's wife, is an OC from **ReunionS** , a story cowritten by me & **rose7anne101**.

Disclaimer: Neither One Piece nor the Original story that provided this idea belong to me. They belong respectively to **Oda** and **rose7anne101 & Black' Victor Cachat** respectively.

* * *

Dragon is still _processing_ when he is directed to another room and left alone with some chocolate. Recalling the pirate's instructions, he quickly consumes the treat, and follows Tamago's instructions to fill up the tube. It takes a while, the reason being that the revolutionary doesn't know what he's doing, and the Long Leg's instruction were really vague, yet he eventually manages.

Dragon blames his father -the marine hero Garp, as people dub him- for his predicament. For the revolutionary, Monkey D. Garp was never the legendary marine that the World Government makes him out to be. He knows the truth that the government keeps hidden from the world, the truth behind his father's glorified title. To him, Garp is -and always will be- only his dad who he sees only on occasions. Even less now that he is going against the government.

At the present however, that feeling intensifies exponentially, and Garp is anything but a hero to Dragon. In fact, he is the farthest thing from a hero in Dragon's mind.

Because no matter what anyone says, it is entirely _his_ fault that Dragon feels so damn awkward now.

Thinking back, Dragon should've known better than to trust his father to _not_ lead him astray, what with all the marine's illogical logic and craziness.

It's a wonder, in all honesty, that the son didn't turn out like his father.

Dragon still remembers the day THE question had been brought up with startling clarity.

 _It had been childish curiosity, one that had been sparked when he sees a mother fussing over her baby on his way home from the forest, where he had gone to pick wild berries._

 _He brings it up later in the evening, when he was helping his mother prepare dinner. His mother, Kane, is standing by the stove, slowly stirring the contents of a pot where a mild aroma is wafting from while Dragon sets the table, bringing out only two sets as his father is away at sea._

 _He finishes setting the table, and walks over to his mother, peering up at her curiously as Kane adds the finishing touches to the beef stew._

 _"Mom, can I ask you something?"_

 _"Yes, honey?" Kane answers her son, and holds up the ladle to taste the stew, humming happily when she finds the flavour just right._

 _"Where do babies come from?"_

 _Kane blinks, and then flashes her son a big, bright smile._

 _"Why don't you ask your dad the next time he comes home, hmm?" She suggests, and hands Dragon a plate of grilled meat to bring to the table._

 _And so, Dragon does._

 _Two months later, when Garp finally comes back to Foosha village with a two-week leave, Dragon brings the question up again after dinner that night._

 _"Storks," Garp answers without hesitation._

 _Dragon raises an eyebrow at the received answer. What do birds have to do with their current topic?_

 _His confusion shows, and Garp snorts. "Storks bring babies to their parents."_

 _Dragon mulls over the given answer for some time, ultimately deciding that it sounds pretty cool. Cool enough for him to want to know more on the subject, and he isn't shy to bombard his father with more questions._

 _"So how do you ask the storks to bring a baby? How do they know to bring a boy or a girl? What do you do if they bring a baby and it's the wrong one? Why is it a stork? How do they bring the babies? Is it like how the news coos bring us newspaper? Do you have to pay them too? How much did I cost?" And so on._

 _Garp simply laughs and indulges his young son, citing stories about prayers and offerings that mysteriously disappear in the dead of the night, and an infant that appears on the doorstep after several moons._

 _"And no, storks don't require any payment, not in Berries anyway. So, we got you free of charge." His father grins widely, and Dragon, in that rare moment, is completely in awe._

 _Still a young, naive child, Dragon readily accepts his father's answers and farfetched tales._

 _That being said, he does wonder about the whole, 'You have to eat lots of weird food to prove yourself. The weirder the better!' thing._

 _He doesn't notice Kane in the kitchen, a hand over her mouth to hold in her laughter as she cleans the stove._

 _…_

 _As Dragon enters his pre-teens, he starts questioning the entire 'Storks bring babies' thing. Because why would women get pregnant otherwise?_

 _He's pretty sure he had seen a book on the topic before in his mother's library once, except he can't find it now when he tries, so he decides to ask their neighbour - the village baker, since his wife had been 'pregnant' not too long ago._

 _The baker says it's just the woman in question getting fat, yet why do they call those women 'pregnant' then? He's seen fat people before, except Dragon doesn't think any of them eats the strange combinations that he's heard in stories about pregnant women. He feels grossed out just **listening** to those combos, and he's actually seen some of them._

 _Seriously, who'd eat pork on top of vanilla ice cream? Or sardine on crackers with blueberries? Or pickles with marshmallows? He has never even seen his dad try that!_

 _Apparently pregnant women would. At least, his dad was right about the weird food. Although that doesn't really explain why women got pregnant._

 _He's also seen some women throwing up at any given time of the day, at any given place. Perhaps the sickness and larger size are meant as indicators for the storks? How else would the storks know whom to deliver the baby to?_

 _At any rate, if that is the case, then women really drew the short end of the stick._

 _Dragon is suddenly glad he is not a girl._

 _(Not that he ever said so out-loud. Doubly so after befriending Ivankov. He still values his manhood very much, thank you.)_

 _Still, the curiosity remains._

 _He then goes around asking the other villagers; his mother is out of the question, since she just laughs, and refuses to tell him every time he asks._

 _In hindsight, he probably should have gone and asked them and not his father right from the start. (Oh boy, you have no idea how right you are)._

 _However, he is disappointed with his village-wide inquiry._

 _No matter who he asks, the answer he receives is always the same as his father's._

 _He can't find anything to prove otherwise either. Besides, the villagers' arguments were pretty solid when he questioned the reason for pregnancy. Although he feels as if there's something going on where he can't see it, as he's been seeing the adults trading looks with each other and trying to hide their smiles. It's evident that they've failed at that, since he's noticed the amusement._

 _But for all he cares, Foosha village has its own brand of crazy and he can't be bothered to find out why they're being weird._

 _Dragon eventually stops his questioning and accepts it as a truth of the world._

 _…_

 _There was once, during his teenage years, when he overhears a conversation about 'safety' and 'protection' by chance, but he has no idea what that's about, so he just dismisses it and quickly forgets all about it._

 _…_

 _According to Mayor Wood Slap, Dragon shares many traits with Garp, including a near non-existent interest towards the fairer sex, unlike most of his peers. His mother counters by saying that her son just hasn't found the right person._

 _Dragon doesn't really care; he has better things to do, and romance isn't one of them._

...

Dragon hands over the tube, now filled with thick white fluid, to Tamago who has been waiting outside the room for the better part of an hour. Without further ado, he quickly gathers the supplies -all utterly essential for what he has planned, for the sake of the revolution- that he had been promised in exchange for a child. With the help of the castle homies, Dragon hastens towards his ship, which has been docked at Whole Cake Island's harbour.

The trip isn't as long as the one from his ship, mainly because Dragon has upped his pace with the intention of returning to his ship as fast as possible and dialling his father's den den mushi to _have words_. He leaves the servants behind him with directions to the ship and rushes off first.

Iva is there to welcome him back, along with some of the crew, and Dragon hands off the supplies to the crew before exchanging a quick word with the okama, and then storming to his office. He doesn't tell his comrade about the _agreement_ with the Yonko, or the 'tube', because he now knows it's actually common knowledge and the fact that he has remained ignorant for so long just makes it that much more embarrassing.

Dragon makes sure to lock the door before sitting down behind his desk, and unlocks one of the drawers, removing the false back to retrieve a snail in marine colours with a donut sticker on its head. A white snail is attached to it to prevent others from tapping in on the ensuing conversation.

Dragon sets it down on the table and dials the number that he knows by heart. It rings for a few seconds before the other end is finally picked up, and Monkey D. Garp gruffs into the phone. "What do you want? "

He knows that Garp knows it's his son calling, since this number is a private line for family only, which even Sengoku and Tsuru don't know. Suffice to say, it's existence is also kept from his own subordinates for various reasons.

"Where do babies come from?"

Garp seems to have choked on something, and a few minutes pass before he is back on the phone.

" Say that again?"

Dragon repeats himself, and as expected, receives the same answer he did all those years ago.

He remains silent for a moment, pondering the latest revelation, because it is dead obvious that Garp is messing with him now. Has been, for the past twenty-something years.

The leader of the revolutionary wordlessly hangs up and stares up at the ceiling.

No wonder everyone -both marine and revolutionary- had given him those odd looks when they had accidentally breached the subject of adult fun, and the pros and cons of it.

When it became apparent that Dragon lacked almost all knowledge on the subject… well, simply put, his colleagues and comrades respectively made a silent pact to never speak of it when he was around. Of course, Dragon never knew of those pacts.

Now he knows why they had been so awkward around him, and needless to say, Dragon has a strong, sudden urge to dig a hole into the ground and crawl in, and possibly never come up. Or travel back in time to give his past self a long overdue 'education'. Or both.

The options are equally appealing at the moment.

* * *

Nine months later, Dragon makes his way back to Totto Land, and goes to see Big Mom. It has been almost forty weeks since the sole female Yonko had demanded a child from him, and according to what Tamago had told him while he was explaining what to do back then, it's almost time for the child to be born.

The revolutionary comes alone this time and lays low on the island. He isn't sure if the child is born or not, and he doesn't want to draw attention to himself yet. Even though he is sure that the Charlotte Family knows he is here, but they have yet to approach him, and likewise, he doesn't go to them either. He has heard through the grapevine how the fathers of the Charlotte children are treated, and he wouldn't be surprised if he was treated the same.

Luckily for him, he only had to wait a day.

The day after he arrives, news spreads about the thirtieth Charlotte son, and Dragon is sure that the child is his. He goes to Whole Cake Chateau, revealing himself and asks about the child. Someone is already at the door waiting for him, having expected the revolutionary's presence.

The oldest son, Perospero is the one who receives him. Dragon can't help but think how weird it is, that this man in front of him, who is around the same age as himself, is the oldest brother of his son. Nevertheless, it's none of his business, and Dragon is only here to see his child.

Perospero so very _graciously_ tells him though not in those exact words that, "Your presence is unneeded here, Dragon."

Dragon raises an eyebrow at this. As the father of the child, did he not have the right to, at the very least, see his offspring?

Apparently not, seeing that Perospero denies him again, and refuses to disclose anything about the baby, other than confirm that it is a boy. Not even his name, if he even already has one.

Knowing that he isn't going to get anywhere with the pirate, Dragon leaves without further arguing.

Of course, Dragon is never one to give up so easily, and he already has other plans prepared in case of this scenario.

He looks up at the sky where he can see the beginnings of a storm, and grins to himself.

Even the weather is on his side.

* * *

 _It was surprisingly easy._ Dragon thinks as he studies the squirming bundle in his arms.

It had only taken him all of ten seconds to break the window, knock the wet nurse down and grab his son while Big Mom and one of her sons had their backs turned, before swiftly disappearing into the night. The heavy rain that had been falling since late afternoon, was a key factor of the process, effectively hindering the Charlotte Family's efforts to track him.

The moment he jumps off the window ledge with the baby safely tucked in his arms, Dragon is grateful to his father for all the training he put him through. Although some -mainly his mom- did argue that the regiments were overly arduous. Personally, Dragon didn't think much of it; swimming with the local Sea King or getting thrown into the midst a dozen crocodiles with weights strapped to all four limbs were nothing. It was all in a day's work.

At the very least, those trainings served their purposes. And they had proved effective enough that Dragon had been tempted to put it into the Army's training regimen before. Unfortunately, his commanders -even the ones that didn't get along much back then- decided to unify for once, and completely veto the suggestion.

Something about genes and fortitude and survival rate, they had argued, although Dragon personally found their reasoning rather foolish. If the Army couldn't even handle such light training, how were they to take on the might of the government and the marines? (In the end, for the sake of democracy and public support, Dragon didn't implement it. Not until ten years later, when he met a certain blonde, anyway.)

If it weren't for those trainings, he probably wouldn't have pulled this off as smoothly as he had.

And now, here he was out at sea with a few extra boxes of baby supplies, and one passenger more on his tiny one-man ship. He had collected the formulas, blankets, and diapers earlier during the day, and had made sure to store them securely under the deck.

Dragon smiles as his son grabs at him and yawns. The baby is so very small against his father's frame, and the revolutionary can't help but think how cute his son is. Even though his face is all scrunched together, the soft tufts of black atop his little head more than makes up for that.

Dragon feels a surge of protectiveness rise in him. This child is _his son_ , and damn it all if Dragon didn't love him for that.

But the life he leads is too dangerous for his child. With what he is doing, he is certain that in no time, he will be viewed as major threat to the World Government.

If the government finds out about his son, they would hunt him down with the aim to kill him; just like they had after the Pirate King was executed four years ago, leading a womanhunt to find a child that may or may not exist. Or, in a worst-case scenario, would try to capture his son, to use him against Dragon.

Not to mention who the child's mother is. If his son's parentage ever fully comes to light...

Dragon doesn't want that life for his son. And that is why he is heading to where he is now, to meet up with his father, and transfer care of his son to him.

He can just imagine how Garp will react when his son shows up with a child of his own. He will be surprised, for sure, considering the marine had been lying to his son about _the facts of life_ since he was _six_.

On that note, what Dragon is more concerned with now is the naming of his son. If Big Mom has already given him one, he doesn't know it since the Charlottes have refused to divulge anything about the child to him.

He doesn't know what to name his son, yet he is reluctant to give the honour to his father, considering what he has heard from his mother about Garp's naming capabilities.

Dragon cringes at the thought of the _names_ he might have been given had his mother, Kane, not named him before her husband could.

Ideally, Dragon would ask his mother to name the baby, except Kane had sadly passed away some years ago.

Which means the revolutionary will have to name his son if he doesn't want the child to be given some ridiculous name that he will regret when he grows up.

* * *

Garp is already waiting at their agreed meeting place when Dragon arrives. The younger man rearranges his cloak so that it hides the baby in his arms, and makes his way towards his father, who has his arms crossed over his chest impatiently.

"What do you want, brat?" Garp grouches out his customary response when dealing with his wayward son. "The government has their eye on you, you know?"

When all his son does is flash a grin at him, Garp knows he is very much aware of the marines that are waiting on the other side of the island, and his trusted subordinate Bogart, who lingers out of range, just around the corner. The vice-admiral also knows that his son is most likely alone, as he always was the few times they had met after Dragon founded the Revolutionary Army.

Dragon smirks from underneath his hood and brings up their conversation from months ago. Garp wonders in confusion why the revolutionary is bringing it up now.

"You've been messing with me this whole time." Dragon says. It's not a question, but a sure statement.

Garp grins widely as the implication sinks in and starts howling with laughter not a moment later.

"Finally found out, did you?" The marine shakes with laughter and ignores his son's flat stare.

"What did you do?" Dragon asks. Call him paranoid, but he is _sure as hell_ that Garp has done something else besides lying to him.

And Garp, between laughs finally reveals the truth. Apparently, he had been so intent on preserving Dragon's 'innocence,' that he had gone as far as to bribe the entire village. He'd even removed all books that hinted otherwise from his home, the bookstores, and even the library after Garp coerced the librarian into helping him. At that, Dragon thinks that his memory doesn't have problems after all because now he knows that _that_ book actually existed.

He also thinks that he may have underestimated just how many screws his old man has loose. Or completely gone.

For a split second, he doubts his decision to leave his son with Garp but diffuses the thought immediately.

Better his son be crazy like his grandpa, than live a life hunted by the government. For all that Garp is a high-ranking marine, he knows that his father will do everything in his power to protect his family. Whilst he isn't supposed to know this, the person Garp has hidden away on Dawn Island is a sure testament that his son will be taken care of.

So, Dragon opens his cloak, and reveals his new-born son to his father with an appropriate introduction.

The expression that Garp the Hero makes is absolutely priceless.

"I did as you said… and look what the storks brought?"

"Wait, WHAT!? For REAL!?"

* * *

 ** _Thanks for reading and remember to review, favorite or follow if you liked it._**


	2. The Truth Is Out -- Con'd

**A/n: Parts of this chapter was copied from One Piece: Luffy's Mother is WHO? **by **rose7anne101** and **Black' Victor Cachat with full permission from the authors. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

* * *

"Where do babies come from?" The moment Garp picks up the Den Den Mushi, he almost chokes on his donut.

Almost.

His mind fully registers the question, and then he chokes.

It takes a couple minutes and several glasses of water before the vice-admiral finally dislodges the pastry, coughing as he feels it slide down his throat smoothly with the help of the downed liquid.

"Say that again?" He croaks out, his voice raw from the earlier coughing fit.

His son repeats himself, and after a split second of panic, Garp answers with the first thing that comes to mind.

Unfortunately, it is storks. So Garp gives his son the same answer he did, all those years ago. A good lie is always consistent, and technically, it isn't really a lie. He's pretty sure there is someplace where storks actually do bring babies; it wouldn't be the weirdest thing he has seen on the Grand Line. That story had to come from somewhere, after all, though he can't remember from whom he heard it from. Maybe it was Kane?

Dragon hangs up shortly, and Garp replaces the receiver onto the snail and the snail back into that special spot under all his senbei.

The Marine Hero then proceeds to stare at the ceiling blankly. The crisscross pattern formed by the beams suddenly look very interesting, and Garp remembers that day with startling clarity.

 _He has, at long last, gotten permission for a two-week leave to visit his family back in the East Blue and is looking forward to spending some well-deserved, quality time with his wife and son._

 _With a heart full of anticipation, he quickly puts all his affairs in order, and orders his unit to get their asses in gear and hurry up with the restocking, because he wants to get going as soon as possible. Not to mention Dawn Island is quite some ways away from their current position._

 _Long since used to dealing with their commander's selfish demands, Commodore Garp's crew works efficiently, and within the hour, reports to their commanding officer that their ship is fully stocked and ready to leave immediately._

 _Garp praises his crew wholeheartedly, and not just because their training is going so well._

 _The voyage to East Blue from the Grand Line takes about two months, not including the time in between that was spent chasing and arresting pirates. By the time they cut through the Calm Belt and sail into calmer waters, Garp is positively vibrating with excitement at the notion of returning to the peaceful waters of the East Blue, and seeing his loved ones in a few short days._

 _Some of the crew mirrors their commander in his excitement, hailing from the East Blue as well. In fact, those of the crew who have been with Garp from the beginning, remember clear as day how their commander climbed the ranks with frightening speed. It has been a while since they have last returned to these seas, and they can't wait until they are free to go visit their own families._

 _Garp grins. Dawn Island is just a few more days sailing away, and he can't wait to see his lovely wife and little son again. He wonders how much Dragon has grown since he last saw him, almost a year ago._

 _..._

 _They sail into Foosha Village's small harbour at some time during the afternoon, and after delegating his authority to his highest-ranking subordinate, Garp happily leaves his ship for his wife and son who are already waiting for him on the docks below._

 _The rest of his crew will be leaving soon to go visit the families of the marines who came from East Blue as well, and will return at the end of his vacation to pick up their commander. Garp has no problems leaving them on their own either; his crew are all hardy men and women who have survived the Grand Line. The riffraffs found in this sea would at most surmount as training for them._

 _Garp brings with him a single pack with some personal items inside, and makes his way towards his pretty wife, dressed in a simple blue dress, and his son who Garp swears is frowning more than ever._

 _It really doesn't suit his young features, Garp thinks, but he can't help it that one of the few traits that Dragon inherited from him happened to be his stubbornness._

 _"Garp!" Kane comes forth with open arms and gives her husband a hug before taking his bag. "Welcome home!"_

 _Garp wraps a large arm around her waist and kisses her on the forehead, then turns towards Dragon and lifts him into a bear hug._

 _"Oh hoh! You've gotten bigger again, haven't you?"_

 _His young son struggles in his grip, except he's still too weak to break free._

 _Eventually, Garp lets go of Dragon after the little brat leaves a huge bite mark on his forearm._

 _With his wife and son on either side, Garp walks down the streets of Foosha Village towards his home. The villagers call out greetings to him, and the marine returns them in kind. Some old friends -including good ol' Woop Slap- look happily annoyed that this headache is back in town, and shows their welcome by throwing food_ _at home_ _isn't too far from the harbour, so it's only a matter of minutes before they reach a quaint little house with a blue roof and a wooden porch, arms laden with bread, meat and many other foodstuffs._

 _The moment the door is open, Dragon shoots right through it and up the stairs. Garp assumes his boy has retreated to his room if the loud bang that follows the footsteps are any indication._

 _Kane sets his bag down in their bedroom and leaves to prepare dinner, but not before the marine pulls out a beautifully wrapped box from his pack and hands it to her. It was worth the effort, he thinks, when his wife opens her gift and squeals in surprise. Inside the box lay a limited signed edition of the newest book by Kane's favourite author, which was recently published and only available on the Grand Line. Another squeal ensues, coupled with an excited 'thank-you' and a tackle hug. Garp grins as he catches his wife and embraces her, releasing her to the kitchen shortly after. For himself, Garp falls into his bed, falling asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He doesn't wake up until Dragon comes knocking to call him to dinner._

 _..._

 _Wholly satisfied by his wife's cooking which he hasn't had in a long while, Garp remains seated at the dining table with a tankard of quality sake in his hand, and nearly spits it out when his son -his six year old son- asks The Question. By some luck, the marine manages to retain his composure, and it seems his kid hasn't noticed anything out of the ordinary._

 _"Storks." Garp answers immediately with a wide grin, careful not to show any signs of hesitation._

 _After all, one of the most important rules of being an officer was to never lose your cool in front of your subordinates. Especially not when there's a big-shot pirate incoming, and your crew is on the verge of panicking._

 _Not that Garp was worried about petty things like pirate fleets, but more personal issues, like being asked if he had gotten the notice that there was a sexual harassment seminar in 5 minutes, and he was a key speaker. Those days were without a doubt, some of his most interesting days in the marines._

 _Of course, that's a story for another time._

 _Dragon raises an eyebrow at the received answer, and the marine can just see the question marks floating over his head. What do birds have to do with their current topic?_

 _Garp snorts as if it were obvious. "Storks bring babies to their parents."_

 _Dragon appears to mull over the received answer for some time, and in that short moment, Garp quickly runs a list of bumped-up priorities through his head, the top of the list being to preserve his cute son's innocence._

 _Said son finally snaps out of his thinking, just as Garp is scheming up multiple ways to 'ask' the stoic village librarian to hide away some choice reading material._

 _No matter that the marine officer is away most of the time, Garp knows better than to assume his son's brain is wired the same as the typical six-year-old, because if anything, the brat has inherited his mother's genes more than his. A fortunate fact, so his good friend Woop Slap tells him, as he wonders once again how Garp managed to climb through the ranks so quickly with that one-track brain of his. Garp mentioned some quip about railroading down pirates, that seemed clever at the time, but wishes he could remember what exactly he said._

 _Apparently, after some heavy contemplation, Dragon has decided that the entire 'storks bring babies' idea sounded pretty cool. Cool enough for the six-year-old to want to know more about the subject, and Garp is more than willing to indulge his son._

 _While Dragon bombards his father with various questions, Garp catches the amused, sidelong glance from his wife that he correctly interprets as to leave her out of this mess. The marine flashes her a grin, yet takes note nonetheless. For all that Kane is his wife, and arguably petite, she had been a competent marine before she resigned to raise their child. Combined with her high intellect, Garp is confident that she will find some way to get back at him without him realising if he dares to involve her in his overprotective lies._

 _Tsuru and Sengoku have not so secretly wondered how Garp of all people had managed to win Kane's affections, to which, after hours of debate, they concluded as the age-old theory of 'opposites attract.'_

 _"...much did I cost?" Garp returns his full attention to his son, just in time to catch the end of his latest question before the boy churns out more._

 _Garp has to consciously control himself to not howl with laughter at some of Dragon's more childish questions. He manages to tone it down to a regular laugh, and proceeds to answer the questions one by one. And if he slips in some impossible stories about mysteriously disappearing offerings and whatnot, well, Dragon would never find out unless someone clues him in. His mother is obviously in on it, so Garp only has to make sure the villagers know not to disclose the truth._

 _While Woop Slap is probably going to be the usual stick in the mud, it's nothing that can't be remedied with a packet of his favourite senbei. Or a couple dozen boxes of them. After all, they **are** from the Grand Line, and Garp only comes home every so often._

 _"And no, storks don't require any payment, not in Berries anyway. So, we got you free of charge." Garp lies smoothly. It isn't a complete lie, anyway. Unless you count the mood swings, temper tantrums and pregnancy cravings that warranted a good chunk of his paycheck, mostly to replace the furniture and silverware. He'd learned then why many of his colleagues never married, or if they did, it usually wasn't with a woman from the marines. Ex-marines, even when pregnant, could kick ass like nobody's business. Those nine traumatizing months were also the main reason why he never brought up the topic of a second child._

 _"You also have to eat lots of weird food to prove yourself. The weirder the better!"_

 _Kane is shaking with laughter, but Dragon doesn't notice at all with his back turned towards her._

…

The ceiling still looks interesting. Boring-interesting, but interesting.

Garp has a feeling he's going to regret something very, very soon.

Oh, well, nothing to do about it.

There are still six donuts left in his current box, and three more boxes are stacked on his right.

And he has paperwork.

Thank Monkeys for donuts. And Bogart.

* * *

Garp's intuition comes true some nine months later.

…

"I did as you said…and look what the storks brought?"

"Wait, WHAT? For REAL?

…

Dragon smirks in amusement as he watches Garp's smug grin disappear in place of dumbfounded gaping. His son is fast asleep amidst a nest of blankets, snuggled in the crook of his father's arm, and completely oblivious to the disbelieving stare of his grandfather that has been stuck on him since Dragon revealed him.

"… You do know I was lying, right?" After a long while, Garp finally tears his eyes away from the baby, and stares skeptically at Dragon. "Where exactly did this brat come from?"

"He's mine."

"And the mother?"

Dragon's thoughts immediately conjure up an image of the monster of a woman that is his son's mother. Charlotte Linlin, better known as Big Mom, and the sole female pirate of the Yonko who rule the New World. Huge, hard on the eyes, violently psychotic and with an insatiable sweet tooth.

The revolutionary's eyes flicker towards his father, who is a veteran officer in the marines, a vice admiral and an honoured hero. He wonders if it would be a good idea to tell Garp the truth.

…Probably not, Dragon decides. If he knows his father, it's a no-brainer that Garp will attempt to give Dragon a beating because "Me and Kane taught you better than this!" and "Of all people you pick that GIANT OLD HAG?!" His mother, were she still around, would likely disapprove as well.

Yeah… no.

Under the pressure of Garp's stare –which Dragon has long since developed an immunity to—Dragon mutters the epithet of the strongest female pirate, deliberately lowering his voice on the first word to make sure that his father doesn't catch it.

"...mom."

"What?" Garp demands. "Speak up, brat. I can't hear you."

Dragon complies, but cuts off the 'Big' in front and simply says 'Mom'.

Realising that he wasn't going to get an answer out of his son, Garp moves on to other matters.

"So you finally did it, eh?"

Dragon isn't quite sure what 'it' is referring to, but he has a hunch.

"If you mean procreation, then yes, I have, seeing as I do have a son." The revolutionary speaks, a slight hint of uncharacteristic gloating in his tone, as there is this small feeling of smugness that he had learned about it, despite his father's interference in his early life. "I don't really see why you had to hide it, however, seeing that all it involves was me handing over a tube with white stuff to the woman for her to do whatever it is she does, and create a child."

Garp blinks, and then he gestures towards Bogart, who reluctantly steps out of the shadows and approaches them.

"Yes, sir?" The other marine asks in that unique exasperated-but-still-respectful tone. His hat's brim shades his eyes, preventing Dragon from getting a better read on him. Then again, for as long as he has known the man, he has never been able to, and the revolutionary is only mildly frustrated about it.

"This is my son, Dragon, right?" Garp asks flatly.

Bogart freezes, and then nods. "I would say so, yes."

"I don't think he is." His father continues, and Dragon just has to wonder what the heck is going through the vice-admiral's mind now.

He gets his answer quickly enough.

"There's no way this is Dragon." Garp claims. "My son is smart, and this one's too stupid, so he can't be Dragon."

Dragon has a sudden urge to face palm, and he has a feeling that Bogart is harbouring similar thoughts. Both of them have been the subject and unfortunate audience respectively, of many colourful insults thrown by Garp, including **stupid** and **idiot**. Especially when Dragon refused to join the marines, and later when he built the Revolutionary Army.

 _I'm just going to pretend I never heard that._ Dragon thinks, and calls out to Garp to grab his attention. "Father, I have a favour to ask."

Garp snaps to attention at his son's serious tone. It isn't often that Dragon asks him for a favour. Or rather, the revolutionary goes out of his way to avoid asking anything of his father.

"I want you to raise Luffy." And because he absolutely doesn't want to subject his son to Garp's abominable naming sense, Dragon has decided to name the newborn 'Monkey D. Luffy'. Whether it is a derivative from the sailing term 'luff,' or simply because he finds the baby surprisingly fluffy, he doesn't know. It sounds nice, at least. Also. likely no one will make the connection that someone like Dragon will have a son named Luffy. Dragon is strong, and Luffy is… luffy.

Garp's eyes narrows at the request, even as he nods and reaches out to take the child. "Why not ask the mother?"

"Many reasons." Dragon replies. "But I want him to grow up and live normally…" He realises his mistake. "...as normal as possible anyway."

Garp stares at him incredulously, and Dragon knows that even though his father isn't always the brightest, the hints are all there; Garp must've made the connection that Luffy's mother is probably no ordinary woman. His position as vice-admiral and 'Hero of the Marines' isn't for show, after all.

A grin spreads on Garp's face. "Luffy will make a fine marine."

"Somehow I doubt that, but you're welcome to try."

Dragon pauses as he remembers one crucial detail that he must absolutely let Garp know.

"Also, if it ever comes up, please don't misguide my son about where babies come from. I'd like him to at least grow up with some common sense."

And then Garp snaps. "They don't come from tubes either, you idiot son!"

Luffy is entrusted to Bogart, who wisely steps aside from the father and son duo, and the Marine Hero begins a long overdue rant about how reproduction actually works and what it involves.

…

Dragon eventually escapes his father, after an agonizing hour of listening to the vice-admiral's speech on the birds and the bees, accompanied with a freaking slideshow of all things.

Garp even tried to force one of those insipid handbooks that the marines made their recruits read on him.

Honestly, it is rather pathetic that the man went through the effort of lugging the equipment here, just to show him such nonsense. Did he think Dragon had forgotten the lengths his father had gone to in convincing him about storks?

And now he sits in his boat, watching the island he had been on not too long ago slowly growing smaller, eventually disappearing behind the horizon. At this moment, Dragon is immensely glad for his devil fruit.

He would have had a hard time getting away from his father otherwise.

* * *

"Sir, your grandson…" Bogart hands the wailing month-old over to his grandfather, just as Dragon's boat disappears from view.

Garp harrumphs and takes the baby into his arms, automatically cradling the infant the way his wife taught him to many years ago.

...

 _Kane glares at her husband as she holds her son close to her to calm him down after his father almost drops him._

 _"Really, Garp, I don't expect you to know how to change diapers and all, but you should **at least** know how to hold your son." She reprimands before handing the child over warily, making sure that Garp knows how to properly hold him._

 _"Make sure his neck is supported, you big oaf!"_

 _..._

"Luffy, huh?" The Marine Hero wonders as the baby eventually calms down after lightly bumping him in his arms, little hands reaching out from his blanket to grab at nothing. He grins. "Monkey D. Luffy… not a bad name. Since your idiot dad gave your care over to me, I'll make sure you become a strong marine!"

Luffy obviously doesn't understand, yet babbles away anyway, big eyes staring curiously at the weird old man who is talking to himself.

"Your dad's an idiot. Babies coming from tubes, bah! The stork is a traditional story, that idiot. And he never even asked where the storks got the babies from...!"

Garp doesn't say that he thinks Luffy is cute, and that he has his grandmother's eyes.

At any rate… "Who the heck is 'mom'?" Garp is sure that there's something else in front of those three letters, except he can't figure it out. The first name that comes to mind is 'Big Mom' but the vice-admiral shakes it off immediately. His son probably has better taste than that. He can thank Kane for that.

Definitely better.

Also, 'Big Mom' is that hag's epithet, not her name.

"Bogart."

"Yes, sir?"

"What women's names are there that ends with 'mom'?"

* * *

 **Nineteen years later.**

After hanging up on Sengoku, Garp opens one of the drawers in his desk to retrieve one specific Den Den Mushi from the many identical transponders lined up in the compartment. The Den Den Mushi is asleep like most of its brethren, being rarely used, and is startled awake by a flick to its head.

Once the creature is awake, Garp picks up its receiver and dials a number, one that he can count on one hand the number of times he has used over the last twenty years.

It rings for a while before the other end is finally picked up.

"What do you want?" As they say, like father like son, and even the way Dragon answers his father's call is the same.

"Monkey D. Dragon." Garp starts, and on the other end, Dragon has barely thrown the receiver away before the marine very nearly blows out his ears. "HOW DARE YOU GO AND HAVE A CHILD WITH THAT STUPID OLD HAG!"

The Marine Hero is vaguely aware of the corridor outside his office suddenly being deserted where there were marines walking by earlier, but that isn't as important as chewing out his idiot son who he can hear moving around before he finally replies.

"Garp…" His son replies. Dragon has long since stopped calling him father, because while they do their best to keep others from tapping into their calls, there still remains a risk of being overheard. "I take it you've seen the news then?"

"DAMN RIGHT I HAVE-" Garp continues to yell, but pauses suddenly when he remembers that no, he did not see the news.

Dragon knows his father well enough to guess what is going on when Garp falls silent without warning. "Sengoku told you then." He says matter-of-factly.

The vice admiral then launches into a rant about his previous conversation with the former fleet admiral.

 _…_

 _"Did you hear the news?"_

 _"News! Pftfttf… No… Oh you mean my adorable grandson blasting away that scoundrel dog Doflamingo… Bwahahahahh as expected from my grandson… Bwahahahahhhahha."_

 _"You know the 'scoundrel dog' worked for us, right?"_

 _"Did he?! Bwahahahahha…"_

 _"I will admit,it's good that we got rid of him."_

 _"Right. Right! Luffy would have made a great marine."_

 _Sweat dropped._

 _"I meant the other news…"_

 _"What did Luffy beat another Shichibukai? Or maybe a Yonko this time? Who is it?"_

 _"Big Mom…" begin Sengoku with glee._

 _"As expected from Luffy, beating that old hag…" Garp cut in._

 _"... is his mother… did you know?"_

 _Silence greeted his question._

 _"HUH" Garp finally said. "Sengoku… what did you say…?"_

 _"Big Mom…" Sengoku paused._

 _"I heard that part," Garp complained._

 _"... is your grandson's mother. I assume you don't know."_

 _..._

"Anyway," Garp starts. "Do you know about that old hag arranging a marriage for Luffy?"

"Yes."

"And you have nothing to say about it?"

Dragon snorts. "I would, but Sabo has already said everything and more."

"That brat, huh?" Garp muses, already imagining the blond brat's indignant face at the outrage that is his baby brother's imminent marriage, and all the colourful words that are bound to be thrown about. The resulting image is hilarious, and the marine bursts out laughing.

Dragon wisely lets Garp laugh for a while before speaking again. "If that's all you're calling for…"He says, and Garp reaches for the receiver.

"Hold it, brat."

"Yes?"

"What do you think about Tsuru-chan?"

No reply comes for a long while.

"What about Tsuru-san?" Dragon finally replies, but his voice sounds oddly strained.

Garp doesn't notice, and without a care, drops the bomb. His promise to Sengoku all but forgotten.

 _..._

 _"...Sengoku… bring me Tsuru…"_

 _"You want your grandson to marry Tsuru?!"_

 _"What, nooooo, you moron… Tsuru knows all the good female marines… but now that you said it… Tsuru… it isn't such bad…"_

 _"Noooo… it's a very bad idea, and I am so sorry to have said it."_

 _"Fine, but she would have kept him on a leash…"_

 _..._

"What do you think about Luffy marrying her instead?"

"Is this a joke?"

"Nope!"

"... NO."

* * *

 **Extra**

Sometime on the way back from Foosha's harbour, Garp pulls out, of all things, a marine cap and puts it on Dragon.

"Your mother said you lost it, again, so I got you another one!" His father grins widely when Dragon gives him a deadpan stare, as soon as he realises what is sitting on his head.

"...you didn't have to." This should be the part where he says 'I'm just happy that you're home', but Dragon being Dragon, secretly wishes that his dad would just come home without the routine 'souvenir'.

Garp calls them 'souvenirs', while he calls them -to quote one of the village girls- 'a fashion disaster'.

Dragon can't count how many times his father has brought back a marine cap or some other marine-themed merchandise for him, if it wasn't every time.

The second the front door is open, the young Monkey is up the stairs and in his room, making sure the door is locked behind him. He knows that a simple locking mechanism like this will not stop his father from entering if he so decides to, but Dragon also knows his mom will -figuratively speaking- kill his dad if he breaks the door, or the wall for that matter of fact, so he is -relatively- safe.

The six-year-old makes his way to the bookshelf in the corner, and pulls it away from the wall slightly. He reaches into the gap, and lifts a small latch embedded in the wood. The moment the latch is open, the lowest level of the bookshelf -supposedly filled with books- pops open with a small click.

The lowest level of the shelf was, in reality, not filled with books, although it was made to look the part. It was a door of sorts crafted by Dragon -with some help from Kane- using book covers. He pulls the door open more, and stares at the amount of marine merch hidden inside.

Then he looks down at the hat in his hand.

This is what, the twelfth or thirteenth hat?

Dragon has an exasperated look on his face as his returns everything back to normal and tosses the hat on his desk.

Two weeks before he can stuff it in there.

* * *

 **Hope you enjoyed it!**


	3. Marriage Is Overrated

**Don't remember why I wrote this in the first place, but TADA! BONUS CHAPTER. Picks up after the end of chapter 2. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own One Piece.**

* * *

After Dragon hangs up, he immediately reaches for another Den Den Mushi, one he knows connects to a certain top-hatted young man...

"Sabo," The leader of the Revolutionary Army starts as soon as the other end picks up. "What do you think about having Luffy marry Tsuru-san?"

Over the transponder, Dragon can clearly hear Koala complaining loudly after Sabo spits tea all over her. His second-in-command coughs before asking in an almost flat tone.

"...Dragon-san, since when have you began telling jokes?"

"I'm not."

On a ship somewhere on the Grand Line, Sabo deadpans.

"Is this 'Tsuru', by any chance, the one I'm thinking of, _the_ 'Great Staff Officer' Vice-Admiral Tsuru, or is there someone else with that name?"

Sabo hears from his boss the answer he dreads.

"The former." Dragon replies with an equally flat voice.

The blonde's response is calm, instantaneous, and loud.

"HELL NO." Sabo pretty much shouts in the snail's face. "No offense to her, but that lady is _the same age_ as Shitty Gramps. _Hancock_ is pushing the line as is," He grits out as he remembers the female warlord's tenacious -not to mention weird- flirting with his baby brother, "and you're asking about a _grandma?!"_

Dragon wisely shoves all responsibility onto his father.

Hearing that it was Garp who called to ask, Sabo facepalms.

"I figured as much." He mutters under his breath. Only that crazy geezer could come up with such a harebrained idea.

His boss does not hesitate to add fuel to the fire that he's sure is burning somewhere inside Sabo. "I'm pretty sure Sengoku has something to do with it."

"I'm calling Ace." _And thinking of what horrible things to do to Sengoku for giving Garp this shitty idea._

"I told him no."

"I'm still calling Ace." Screams of ' _Luffy's chastity is on the line!'_ repeats itself at high speed in Sabo's mind.

The moment the call is closed, Sabo bounds out onto deck and screams at the water until he's wheezing and out of breath.

He doesn't care if his crew is looking at him like he's lost his mind.

…

"ACEEEEEEEEEE!"

Ace barely refrains from throwing his personal Den Den Mushi all across the galley when he answers to an almost frantic cry from his sworn brother.

"DON'T F*ING BLOW MY EARS OUT YOU MORON! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU CALLING FOR?!"

Ace immediately returns fire by shouting his answer at equal volume.

"KEEP LU AWAY FROM SHITTY GRAMPS. FAR, FAR, FAR, FAR, FAAAAR AWAY. AND AWAY FROM ANY OTHER MARINES FOR THAT MATTER OF FACT!"

"HECK YEAH I WILL BUT WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT?! AND IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN CONTROL WHERE THAT STUPID OLD MAN GOES!"

"GARP CALLED DRAGON JUST NOW AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING TSURU MARRY LU!"

Garp called Dragon and asked him what he thought about having Tsuru marry Lu… ?

"WHAT?!" Ace screams as he registers what he had just heard. "TSURU AS IN VICE ADMIRAL TSURU?"

"YESSSSSSS!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

"Why are you two having a screaming match over the Den Den yoi?" Marco strolls into the room after hearing the commotion from above deck, only to come in to the sight of his family staring amusedly at an overly animated second division commander. He's missed most of the conversation, unfortunately, so he doesn't quite know what's going on.

"Oh, hi Marco!" Sabo chirps a greeting, having met the Whitebeard's first division commander on occasions that he easily recognizes the older man's voice. "Nothing much, we were just freaking out over something about Luffy is all."

"As usual." Ace tacks on.

Marco raises a brow. "...okay?"

Enough said. He doesn't want to know.

Ace turns back to the transponder.

"WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT LUFFY GETTING MARRIED ANYWAY? HE'S TOO YOUNG FOR MARRIAGE!"

As Marco walks away, he looks down at the day's paper in his hand. _And I was going to show him this too._

"BECAUSE LU'S MOM IS BIG MOM AND SHE ARRANGED A MARRIAGE FOR HIM!"

"SAY WHAT!?"

 _Oh well. Guess I don't have to. That marriage bit is new, though._

* * *

 **Sunburn is annoying.**


	4. Sex-Ed Is Important

**This chapter is a collection of omakes that begin with this prompt -** _ **By some weird chance, Luffy meets Dragon on (random) island, and they have a certain conversation …**_

 **Some of them are my own, and some are written by** **rose7anne101** **and** **Black' Victor Cachat'** **. Feel free to guess who wrote what :D**

 **Notes:**

"..." **= conversation**

 **...** **= author insert**

 **[...] = action**

 _Italics_ **= thoughts**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece or** **One Piece: Luffy's Mother is WHO?**

* * *

 **#1**

By some weird chance, Luffy meets Dragon on (random) island, and they have a certain conversation …

 **Dragon** : "Luffy, do you know where babies come from?"

 **Luffy** : "Uh...yeah? Ace told me about it before. He called it the uh… the bees and the flowers? No that's not right. The fish and the sea? The bird and the tree? The birds and the bees… yeah, that's the one!"

 **Dragon** : **[Claps Luffy on the shoulder]** "Good for you, son."

 **Luffy** : "Thanks! ...Why is it good for me?" **[Tilts head questioningly]**

 **Dragon** : No reason. Just remember, if your grandpa ever says anything about babies and storks, trust me, HE'S LYING.

* * *

 **#2**

By some weird chance, Luffy meets Dragon on (random) island, and they have a certain conversation …

 **Dragon** : "Luffy, do you know where babies come from?"

 **Luffy** : **[tilts his head curiously]** "Uh, yeah? Zoro told me about it before, something about ships and ports. reference to Stormy1x2's Seagulls and Beetles

 **Dragon** : **[snorts]** "What ship and port? All it needs is a syringe and a bit of this and that."

 **Luffy** : "What's a syringe?"

 **Dragon** : "It's a tube with a nozzle and piston or bulb for sucking in and ejecting liquid in a thin stream, used for cleaning wounds or body cavities, or fitted with a hollow needle for injecting or withdrawing fluids."

 **Luffy** : "Oh, so it's a mystery thing!"

 **Chopper** : **[Shouts from somewhere behind]** "Luffy, it's that needle thingy I use to give you your shots!"

 **Luffy** : **[Pouts at Dragon]** "Why didn't you just say so?"

Dragon deadpans and tries to argue, but Luffy gets distracted by something else, and their conversation is completely lost. The revolutionary departs soon after, and Luffy returns to the Sunny. Sometime during dinner…

 **Luffy** : **[Suddenly realizes something]** EHHHHH! CHOPPER WERE YOU TRYING TO MAKE BABIES FROM ME?!

 **Strawhats** : **[Gapes at the captain]** "...what?"

 **Chopper** : **[Explains patiently]** "Luffy, you're a guy. You can't make babies. Well, technically you can since you fertilize the egg-"

 **Luffy** : **[Points accusingly]** "SO YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE BABIES! I DON'T WANT BABIES! I DON'T WANT TO SHARE MY FOOD!"

 **Nami** : **[Facepalms]** "How the hell is food involved in this?

 **Luffy** : **[Glares at Nami suspiciously]** "Dadan told me that babies are black holes. Which means they eat a lot, which means I'll have to share my food!" **[Turns to Chopper]** "CHOPPER! I FORBID YOU FROM MAKING BABIES! CAPTAIN'S ORDERS!"

 **Chopper** : "I AM NOT! HOW THE HELL DID YOU REACH THAT CONCLUSION?!"

 **Strawhats** : Who the heck is Dadan anyway?

 **Luffy** : "My dad said you could makes babies with a needle thingy! And you always use it on me!"

 **Chopper** :"I was giving you your shots!"

 **[Starts pointless shouting match]**

 **Nami** : "Why are we even having this conversation in the first place?"

 **Robin** : "It's probably Dragon-san's fault." **[Laughs mysteriously]**

 **Strawhats** : ?

* * *

 **#3**

By some weird chance, Luffy meets Dragon on (random) island, and they have a certain conversation …

 **Dragon** : "Luffy, do you know where babies come from?"

 **Luffy** : "Uh...no?"

 **Dragon** : "Well son, you're old enough, and you're a pirate. You should know these things."

 **[Imparts (incorrect) knowledge]**

 **Luffy** : "OH SO THAT'S WHERE BABIES COME FROM! If all I need is one of those needle thingies, Chopper has lots of those in his infirmary."

 **[Chopper suddenly feels an urge to hide all his syringes.]**

 **Chopper** :"I think...I need to go.." He stands up and runs to the infirmary, followed by Nami and Usopp.

 **Usopp** : "What are you doing, Chopper?"

 **Chopper** : **[startled]** "Ssshhhh… guys, you need to help me, quick!"

 **Nami** : "With what?"

 **Chopper** : **[whispering]** "Hiding the syringes...before Luffy orders me to throw them all overboard!"

 **Usopp** : "Huh? Why would he do that?"

 **Chopper** : "Well, because…" **[repeats earlier conversation between Luffy and Dragon]** "And call me paranoid or something, but I just know that he's going to ask me something ridiculous or accuse me of something just as stupid! And it'll be about the syringes!"

 **Nami** : And isn't it just sad that I can totally see that happening. **[shrugs]** "Well, it is Luffy we're talking about."

 **Usopp** : Yeah… let's just move them someplace else for now.

* * *

 **#4**

By some weird chance, Luffy meets Dragon on (random) island, and they have a certain conversation …

 **Dragon** : "Luffy, do you know where babies come from?"

 **Luffy** : "Uh...no?"

 **Dragon** : "Well son, you're old enough, and you're a pirate. You should know these things."

 **[Imparts (incorrect) knowledge. ]**

 **Luffy** : "REALLY?! THAT'S WHERE BABIES COME FROM?!"

 **Luffy** : "ZORO!"

 **Zoro** : **[Looks over]**

 **Luffy** : "Do you really just need a needle thingy to make a baby?"

 **Zoro** : "Ha? What're you talking about?"

 **Luffy** : "But he," **[Points finger at Dragon]** "said that's where babies come from!"

 **Zoro** : "...Yeah, sure. Whatever...OW! OI, WITCH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!"

 **Nami** : "That information is WRONG! Don't just say WHATEVER!"

 **Zoro** : "I have my reasons!"

 **Nami** : "What reasons?!" **[feels a piercing stare and quiets down, looks at Zoro to confirm what is happening]** _Dragon is glaring at me right now, isn't he._

 **Zoro** : **[nods]** _YEP._

* * *

 **#5**

By some weird chance, Luffy meets Dragon on (random) island, and they have a certain conversation …

 **Dragon** : "Luffy, do you know where babies come from?"

 **Luffy** : "Huh?"

 **Sabo** : "Damn it, Dragon-san! What are you trying to teach Luffy?!"

 **Ace** : **[Grabs Luffy]** "Luffy! What did that old man tell you? Did he tell you anything weird?! Do I have to beat him up?!"

 **Luffy** : "He was just asking me where babies come from. And of course I know! They come from tubes!"

 **Dragon** : "Ah good, I just wanted to be sure."

 **Sabo** : "Wait, what? What!? Luffy, babies don't come from tubes!"

 **Ace** : "Who told you that!? We need to have some words with them!"

 **Luffy** : "Why?"

 **Ace** : "Because it's wrong!"

 **Luffy** : "Ace, stop being crazy. Of course it's real! Here, come with me."

Back on the Thousand Sunny...

 **Luffy** : "See?"

In one room on the Thousand Sunny is filled with incubator tanks, each containing a developing fetus. Some are clearly nearly ready to be 'decanted' with healthy babies.

Ace and Sabo's jaws drop.

 **Dragon** : "Luffy, I'm not one to judge, but why are you having so many children?"

 **Luffy** : "Well, it was something Chopper got started on before we got, y'know, separated, and we decided we should probably hurry it up. Making babies for us all. That one's mine and Hancock's -I got to see Amazon Lily's tubes when I was there, and they were pretty neat- then me and Vivi, me and Nami, me and Robin, me and Rebecca, me and Shirahoshi -that's why it's an egg-, me and Carrot, me and Wanda, me and Zoro-"

 **Dragon** : "Wait, you're doing it with men too?"

 **Luffy** : "Oh sure! Sanji, Franky, Usopp, Jinbe, Law -can't remember if I told him about this- and others. The only kids I don't have with are Brook and Chopper unfortunately."

Chopper skips into view, wearing a labcoat and giggling with glee.

 **Chopper** : "Don't worry Luffy, I figured out how to do it. You and me'll have a baby in nine months! Brook too!"

 **Luffy** : "Awesome!"

Ace and Sabo's eyes are like dinner-plates, bodies wracked with spasms.

 **Dragon** : "What about the rest of your crew?"

 **Luffy** : "Oh, they all have children mixed in too of course. Although for the ones who are both Zoro and Sanji kids, we had to mix them in with the ones they have with Robin and Nami. Just to be safe."

It is at that point that Ace and Sabo run away screaming before their brains finish breaking.

Throwing a puzzled glance after them, Dragon then shrugs, and puts a proud hand on Luffy. "Well, I'm sure you'll all make fine parents.

...

Twenty years later, the entirety of the 'Straw Hat Family,' now numbering in the hundreds, and basically conquers the world. Unintentionally.

It started out as what was supposed to be the Bachelorette party for Shanks and Makino's daughter, except it got out of hand. And of course when the Bachelor party -for the son of Sanji and Zoro- heard what was going on, the men could not allow themselves to be outdone, and escalated the situation until it got decidedly out of hand. By the time the smoke cleared, they were wondering why the majority of -the remaining- world leaders were submitting themselves to them.

And yes, Robin made a point of accurately documenting what happened, as did her various children, nieces, and nephews, who were also interested in history.

...

Another twenty years later, the Family heads to space to explore the 'Final Frontier,' and have new adventures.

It takes the combined might of the Vulcans, Andorians, Tellarites, Xindi, Klingons, and the Romulans fifty years to beat the maniacs back to their solar system and seal them in, yet were never able to truly conquer them. The tired and battered species then went on to form the United Federation of Planets.

Unbeknownst to them, the Straw Hat Family's desire to get free led their scientists to generate wormholes to give them access to the Delta and Gamma Quadrants. It did not take them long to go to war with both the Borg and Dominion at the same time.

Three guesses as to who is winning.

And the first two do not count.

* * *

 **#6**

By some weird chance, Luffy meets Dragon on (random) island, and they have a certain conversation …

 **Dragon** : "Luffy, do you know where babies come from?"

 **Luffy** : "Uh...no?"

 **Dragon** : "Well son, you're old enough, and you're a pirate. You should know these things."

 **[Imparts (incorrect) knowledge...or he tries to.]**

 **Sabo** : "Damn it, Dragon-san! What are you trying to teach Luffy?!"

 **Ace** : **[Grabs Luffy]** "Luffy! What did that old man tell you? Did he tell you anything weird?! Do I have to beat him up?!"

 **Luffy** : **[Blinks innocently]** Um, Dad said Gramps lied about babies, and he found out and something… I don't remember.

 **Sabo & Ace**: **[Sigh in relief]**

 **Sabo** : "Good. Good."

 **Ace** : "Well, Luffy, me and Sabo have a little something to talk about with your old man. Go play hide-and-seek or bug Zoro or something, will ya?

 **Luffy** : "Okay!" **[Hugs Ace and Sabo and races off towards the crow's nest]**

 **Sabo** : "Now, Dragon-san. As we've told you many times before, babies DO NOT come from tubes. Please refrain from misleading our dear, naive little brother, if you'd please, even though he's your son."

 **Ace** : **[Pulls something out from his backpack]** "THIS-" **[Points at the flashcards in his hand]** "-is The Facts of Life." **[Flips through it one by one and shows Dragon]** "It does not include a tube -well of course, unless you count the Fallopian Tube- but still, NO TUBE."

 **Sabo** : **[Stares at Ace incredulously]** "Ace."

 **Ace** : "Yeah?"

 **Sabo** : "Why do you have that?"

 **Ace** : "This? Oh, Marco gave it to me, said something about learning how it works so we know how to make it NOT work."

 **Sabo** : "You mean protection. And Marco, as in Marco The Phoenix? First Division Commander of the Whitebeard Pirates?"

 **Ace** : "The one and only. He's also our ship doctor, mind you. Don't tell, though. I think Thatch said not many people outside the crew know he's a doctor, and they want to keep it that way."

 **Sabo** : "Right…why flashcards though?

 **Ace** : because according to that blue fire chicken, we're all idiots, and five year olds can apparently read and write better than us. So pictures. **[Turns back to Dragon]** "So yeah, babies don't come from tubes."

 **Dragon** : "I'm well aware of that. But better tubes than storks, right?"

 **Ace & Sabo**: "What?"

 **Dragon** : "If you were raised by Garp, you should've heard the story about storks bringing babies before."

 **Sabo** : "Actually…"

 **Ace** : "No. **[Turns to backpack again]** "Speaking of Shitty Gramps…" **[Pulls out a book]** "I ran into the crazy geezer a while back, and he gave me this."

 **[Ace holds up a book titled 'Marine Handbook - Sexual Conduct, 21st Edition'.]**

 **Sabo** : "I cannot, for the life of me, imagine why he would give you that."

 **Ace** : "...I think he said something about you not being dead, so if I ever run into you to give it to you, to give to Dragon…" **[Holds the book out towards Dragon]** "Well since you're here, I'll just give it to you directly."

 **Dragon** : **[Takes the book, and then tosses it into the ocean]** "I'll have you know, this book is filled with all kinds of BS. I HAVE A SON I KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM."

 **Sabo** : **[Facepalms]** "That's it, I'm calling backup." **[Starts dialling on Den Den Mushi]** "Hello, Iva-san? This is Sabo. I'm placing an order for a Baby-Making Demo for Dragon-san. Pronto. ...Really? Excellent, glad to hear. ...Hmm? Oh sure yes, we've been looking forward to meeting this 'Bon-boy' for a while now."

* * *

 **#7**

By some weird chance, Luffy meets Dragon on (random) island, and they have a certain conversation …

 **Dragon** : "Luffy, do you know where babies come from?"

 **Luffy** : "Uh...no?"

 **Dragon** : "Well son, you're old enough, and you're a pirate. You should know these things."

 **[Imparts (incorrect) knowledge. ]**

 **Garp** : "NO LUFFY! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!" **[Appears out of nowhere]**

 **Luffy** : "Huh, Gramps? What're you doing here...WOAHHH GRAMPS THAT'S SO COOL HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!"

 **[Garp steps out of a portal and grins.]**

 **Garp** : "That's 'cause I'm your grandpa! And I'm here to stop HIM!" **[Points sharply at Dragon]**

 **Dragon** : "Garp…"

 **Garp** : "YOU IDIOT SON! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT DON'T GO TELLING MY CUTE GRANDSON ABOUT UNTRUE THINGS! BABIES DO NOT COME FROM TUBES!"

 **Dragon** : "They do; that's where Luffy came from after all. Besides, I think it's more true than being brought by storks."

Dragon and Garp ends up in a heated debate about reproduction. Half of it is, anyway.

 **Luffy** :"...Gramps?"

 **Garp** : **[Doesn't hear him]**

 **Luffy** : "Dad?"

 **Dragon** : **[Doesn't hear him either]**

 **Luffy** : "..." **[Stomach growls]** "Sanji! Food!"

 **Sanji** : "Yeah, yeah! Lunch is almost ready so just wait a little longer!" **[Yells from kitchen]**

 **Luffy** : "Okay!" **[Spots Usopp next to the mast tinkering and bounds over]** "Usopp! Guess what? I came from a tube!"

 **Usopp** : "Okay…wait, what?! A tube?!"

 **Luffy** : "Yeah! My dad said so, but Gramps said he's lying so I don't know if it's true but it would be so cool if I came from a tube!"

 **Usopp** : **[Deadpans]** "Luffy, babies don't come from tubes. Moms give birth to them."

 **Luffy** : "But I don't have a mom? I mean, if I came from a tube, it would explain why I don't have a mom, right?"

 **Usopp** : "...I don't know. Ask Chopper."

* * *

 **Hmm. Yeah. Not dead yet.**

 **I'll finish the others... eventually.**


End file.
